


to be half of a whole

by immaturesoybean



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bickering, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Museum Date, Museum of Natural History, Slice of Life, Soft Ash Lynx, the only thing me and ash have in common is our love for eiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26473018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immaturesoybean/pseuds/immaturesoybean
Summary: Eiji takes Ash on a date. Ash pays, of course.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 19
Kudos: 166





	to be half of a whole

**Author's Note:**

> I recently reread banana fish (again) and consequently destroyed the alternate version i've been cultivating in my brain for the past two years hooray!  
> i've never written fanfic before and i've always been embarrassed to show my work, but i started thinking about ash and eiji and i couldn’t stop
> 
> i thought about holden caulfield, visiting the museum with his sister, and how he suddenly didn't want to, if it wasn't with her.
> 
> i thought about the battle at the museum of natural history and it broke my heart knowing that ash would visit all the time, probably by himself. i'd like to think they went there together at least once
> 
> i think they deserve at least one, uninterrupted date.
> 
> disclaimer: i've never been to america, much less NY, before in my life, i hope you will suspend your disbelief and pretend i know what i’m talking about

It's funny how the universe sometimes deals its cards. Some days Ash feels like he was given a joker in a game of black jack, other days a scrap piece of paper or a gum wrapper thrown in the mix as a joke.

Some days Ash stops finding jokes funny.

He wonders when he stopped being a boy who swung a wooden bat thicker than his arms, laughing and swallowing the sea breeze in greedy gulps, and became a shapeless monster who exists to kill and lives to die, who wakes up every morning and wonders who’s god allowed it and why they did.

Sometimes he looks in the mirror and can't even make himself out in the foggy, grey mass that clouds his countenance and he finds that he doesn't really mind any more.

These days, he finds he can get used to anything.

Almost.

You see, when a heart is torn to shreds, ripped apart and left there to rot— after a while, you cease to feel it beat, or even feel it at all. Ash has been living the last seven years of his life in numbness; pins and needles pricking at his skin. Yet it’s when you try to pick up all pieces, when you try to fix it, that's when it starts to hurt.

Eiji tried. Eiji always tried with Ash. And it never even felt like he was. Maybe he didn’t even realise himself. Because Ash would come to their apartment when the night was heavy and the streets were wild, and Eiji would be there. Even with the chaos of the outside world, the danger and terror that followed Ash like a lone chain dangling from a shackle, Eiji would still be there. 

Sometimes he would be sitting on the sofa, watching a television show he barely understood with sleepy eyes, sometimes he would be asleep, clutching a pen and a crumpled piece of paper. Every time Eiji looked up to meet his eyes with a cheeky, boyish smile, Ash’s heart would soar. 

Eiji taught him how to be a boy again. Not a boy with issues, not a boy with a gun, not a boy who belonged to another man, just a boy.

But Ash knew he was holding him back. Keeping him like a caged bird inside of their apartment, he had come to New York to be free, and yet Ash was selfishly locking him away from the rest of the world. Of course, Eiji would tell him otherwise, that he wanted to be here, to help in any way he could. Ash wondered what Eiji saw in him, and whether, one day, he would be able to see it too.

Looking in the mirror, Ash carded his hands through his hair, flattening it as to just hang above his eyes, the strands framing his face with an air of innocence and naivety — something he didn’t remember knowing. He brought the hairdryer up to his scalp once more, letting the hot air sweep through his bangs, finishing the look.

Eiji’s voice came into earshot, as he turned the corner and peeked into the doorway.

“ — have you seen this news…?” He trailed off before looking at Ash questioningly, “What are you doing?”

‘Do I look fifteen?’ Ash asked instead of answering, looking over at him with a coy smile.

“Yes you do!” Eiji laughed in response, cheerful and blissfully unaware, “Why? Do you want to pay half price at the museum?”

"I'm going whoring."

A pause.

"I'm not sure I get the joke…" Eiji laughed weakly, trying to catch Ash's eye, searching for an answer. Ash looked away. 

“That’s ‘cause it’s not.” 

He could tell he was hurting Eiji, and it hurt him just the same to see that dejected expression on his face— but to the ravenous desire lingering in the back of his subconscious it felt...good. It felt exhilarating to know that Eiji cared; that Ash was giving him nothing but pain and danger and suffering and all he would give back was love. 

Ash felt greedy, like all he did was take take take as Eiji opened his arms and enveloped him — every day he felt like he was swimming in affection. It was like he was sucking the goodness out of Eiji.

“I’m just going out for a little prostitution.” Ash said nonchalantly. Trying to force playfulness, but finality into his demeanor. There was no use in Eiji worrying about him, these things just had to be done. He would dress up to meet the tastes of that pig and get some answers, it was business as usual.

He turned around for one last look before grabbing the door handle, Eiji was still staring at him with a perplexed look on his face. But before Ash was out the door, he heard one last determined call, “Next time you want to get in that outfit, we should go to the museum! We’ll both get half price, since I still look like an elementary schooler to you Americans anyway!” 

Ash chuckled and thought nothing of it.

***

Days imbued with anxiety and uncertainty passed by — Ash felt as if he was sitting on a chair at the top of a staircase, slowly dipping back and forth, threatening to topple and toss him down, down, down. 

Who the fuck had killed Kippard? Somebody must have known his plan and foiled it, even from that impossible distance. He felt utterly ridiculous engaging in some ‘whodunnit’ murder mystery, much less around the sick bastard who had— 

“Ash!”

Eiji sounded excited. Folding up the paper that was slowly crumpling in his clenched fists, Ash peeked up at the Japanese boy. He had donned his winter coat and scarf, bright eyed and glowing, like he was ready to run out and try to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

“What are you all dressed up for, big bro?” Ash raised an eyebrow questioningly, “You know there’s heating in the whole building right? I guess the elderly just can’t help but feel the cold, huh.”

Eiji rolled his eyes at Ash’s smug face, “That’s not it! I already went grocery shopping yesterday.” He bounded over, leaning his elbows on the table in front of Ash. Ash couldn’t get over how amusing this was.

“I figured we should go out today,” Eiji grinned, eyes tilting up at the corners. He poked at Ash’s reading glasses, making Ash smack his fingers away and earning a cheeky laugh. “Remember how I said we should go to the museum? Let’s go today! I want to see some dinosaurs.”

“Just look in the mirror, you’re pretty much a fossil at your age.” Ash replied lazily, giving the other boy a flick on the forehead as revenge.

Eiji covered his forehead and squawked, dramatically backing away as if he’d been pushed away by an invisible force. 

“You’re such a little brat!” He yelled, the sound of his voice trailing off as he ran out of the kitchen and into their bedroom. 

“Running away now, are you?” Ash called after him, cackling as he heard a large _thump_ that was most definitely the sound of Eiji slipping on his socks. Instead of a reply, Ash was only honoured with over-exaggerated rummaging noises and the sound of draws being pulled open and shoved closed.

Barely a minute passed when Eiji reappeared in a huff, face red with exertion but smiling mischievously. Before Ash could even let out an _‘what?’_ he was enveloped in darkness. 

Eiji had forcefully shoved a knit sweater over Ash’s head, not caring when it got caught on the rim of his glasses and set Ash’s vision askew. _The audacity of that punk,_ he thought, (only meaning it a little bit) _._ Next was the scarf, wrapped round and round Ash’s neck and even covering his face in a haphazard mummification of sorts.

“What the fuck?” Ash spluttered, voice muffled by the soft fabric choking him.

Ignoring his complaints entirely, Eiji circled around the back to complete the finishing touches, he draped the long winter coat on Ash’s shoulders before leaning over to his side, pulling the scarf down to Ash’s chin so that his face was no longer stuffed with wool and cotton. 

Ash’s first instinct was to glare — but as soon as his eyes met Eiji’s, the room suddenly felt too hot. Perhaps all the layers of clothes were getting to him already. Meanwhile the other boy was laughing full-throatedly, Ash could almost see the delight pouring out of him, like glowing fireflies filling the room. It was seriously warm in here.

“What the heck was that for?” He settled for a disgruntled shove. The anger in his voice wouldn’t come out, not when he didn’t mean it. (Not even a little bit). Eiji grabbed him by both hands and pulled him up.

“Well look who’s all dressed up now?” He was smiling so wide his eyes formed curved lines, “Now you don’t have an excuse not to go, no more wasting time!”

Ash only had the chance to swipe his wallet off the table before Eiji was pushing him out the door. 

Ash couldn’t even stop him if he wanted to. He didn’t really want to, though.

(Not at all).

***

Standing in front of the ticket sales, Ash watched as Eiji came to the sobering realisation that ‘half price museum tickets’ were for children under twelve, and no matter how hard Ash blow-dried his hair or pouted with puppy-dog eyes, he would not pass for an pre-teen. 

“But hey, there’s nothing stopping you from putting on a cap and school boy shorts,” Ash laughed smugly, elbowing him teasingly in the side.

“Oh, so twenty minutes ago I’m a fossil, but now I’m 12 years old?!” Eiji exclaimed, annoyance showing in his eyebrows, bushy and crinkled on his forehead. He pointed his index finger in Ash’s face, wildly wagging it around while his left hand made dramatic gestures in the background. _Cute._ “You can’t even remember what you say, no wonder IQ is a debunked theory!”

“Hey, hey, no need to get all insecure about your neanderthal brain,” He replied airily, paying for two adult tickets while Eiji huffed stubbornly behind him. It’s not like half price would have meant anything with the fortune he plundered from Dino, still, it was funny to see Eiji all pouty over the fact that he’d thought he’d won, for once.

“You wanted to see the dinosaurs, right?” Ash asked, nudging him once they reached the stairs, “It’s up this way.”

“Huh? Oh right, dinosaurs.” Eiji replied, almost dazedly, cheeks red, probably because of the cold, “Do you come here a lot?”

“Yeah, it’s calming, I guess. Some things change, some stay the same.” Ash considered as they began climbing the stairs to the Fossil Halls, “You get to see the same things over and over again, and find comfort in the fact that you can visit again next time and they’ll still be there. But they also have these special exhibitions, the ones that change every year or so, and you can— you can sort of just enjoy these new things while they last, you know?”

Eiji nodded, looking at him almost intensely, “While they last,” he echoed.

***

It was needless to say that Eiji was unnecessarily awestruck with virtually everything. Photography was prohibited, but Ash could see the little shutters in his eyes going off as he took in every little thing that he saw.

_Click, click._

Instead of a finger on the shutter release going up down, up down, he could imagine the photos Eiji was taking in his head as his eyelashes fluttered and his eyes widened. It was kind of mesmerising. For once, Ash found that he wasn’t absorbed in the exhibits around him, but the boy looking at them. He felt stupid.

(Not that he ever wanted to stop feeling this way).

“Take me to your favourite exhibit next!” Eiji exclaimed after they did a round of the floor. They’d walked through the hall of Saurischian dinosaurs and Eiji would point to each paleontological figure and make Ash name them without looking at the signs. He would then proceed to give them a name of his own.

“This one looks like an ‘Alex’, I don’t know why, it just does,” Eiji mused.

“I’m telling him you said he looks like a boney T-rex.” 

“Don’t you dare!”

They took the elevator down. Eiji rocked back and forth on his heels, excited and child-like. Sometimes Ash found it hard to believe that Eiji was older than him, when he knew so little of the outside world, the world that Ash lived in. At first Ash thought that this was the reason for his softness, but after being dragged so suddenly and violently into Ash’s tumult, still he was unflinching and determined. Ash could only think otherwise — Eiji was Eiji, inside out, through and through. Eiji was a constant, he was always true, and always there. He thought of a world without Eiji, and decided that he would not be the reason for that world. He swore he wouldn't, and that would be a promise he would keep, even if it meant a world without himself.

“Who’d’ve thought you’d be so into dinosaur bones,” Ash teased, as they descended to the first floor.

Eiji chuckled sheepishly, “Well, I like them a lot now.” He trailed off, his voice softening to a whisper, “It was just an excuse to come out with you today, though.”

Ash pretended he didn’t hear, ignoring the warmth in his ears.

The elevator _dinged_ and they made their way down to the Hall of Ocean Life. Eiji all but choked on his gasp as he ran to the railing, laughing in awe of the huge model hanging from the ceiling. 

“It’s a blue whale,” Ash said, “It weighs around 20 thousand pounds— almost as heavy as you.” He snickered, poking Eiji in the side.

Eiji smacked him on the shoulder, sticking out his tongue, making his whole face scrunch up in the process. His cheeks would make good stress balls, Ash mentally noted.

“You are bold to say that to the person who feeds you!” 

Ash languidly clapped a palm to his face in feigned terror, “Not the shrimp and avocado salad!”

Eiji huffed and shuffled closer to him, the sleeves of their coats bumping, as if he was going to knock Ash over but decided against it. 

They moved to the ground floor, Eiji stared up at the whale almost reverently.

“It is so big, I can almost hear it calling out to me,” Eiji hummed buoyantly. He cupped his hands around his mouth, quietly mimicking whale calling noises. God, Ash felt like he could cry.

“Is that a mating call?” He managed to cough out, “Sorry to break it to you, Eiji, but I don’t think you’re her type.”

Eiji pouted only slightly, not reacting how Ash thought he would, “Whatever, she’s not my type either.” He looked to Ash instead, eyes glinting with mirth.

The backs of their hands brushed and Ash found himself lingering at the touch. He hesitantly curled a finger around Eiji's, as if testing the waters, in a way that would allow him to subtly pull back if he wanted to.

As if sensing Ash's reluctance, Eiji immediately intertwined their fingers. Ash whipped his head around to meet Eiji's eyes that were looking at him shyly, but the smile on his face was brilliant and—

And it sucked the oxygen right out of Ash's lungs

Oh. Ash wished he had a camera in his brain. _Click, click, click_.

The framing of this angle was perfect. Eiji was looking up at him with flushed cheeks and warmth in his eyes, the blue-green hues of the Hall reflected on his hair like they were in an underwater palace. It was surreal, and ridiculously beautiful.

He would do anything to immortalise this moment, anything to scoop the feeling swelling inside him and set it aside in a mason jar, tie it with a bow. _Please, God, just let me have this_ , he thought, wishing that they would all turn to stone and be fixed in time. 

But time flows, not you. The smile in Eiji’s eyes would eventually fade; Ash would be gone, and they would be thousands of miles apart.

Still, the warmth in his hands remained true. Ash knew that nothing lasts forever, but at the very least, this moment was real. Eiji scrunched his nose, trying to read the label of the exhibit.

"This fish reminds me of you." He said, snickering boyishly.

Ash gripped his hand tighter, and shoulder checked him.

“I would eat that fish for breakfast.” 

This moment was theirs and theirs alone.

(No one could steal it from them).

**Author's Note:**

> can you tell that I don't know how to write? Im this close to failing english, actually!
> 
> this whole thing was written on a complete whim but i ended up staring at the museum map for half an hour and rereading catcher in the rye because of it
> 
> hope you enjoyed!
> 
> (and I hope I'm never in a mental state where I have to write shit like this ever again :D)


End file.
